When life at home falls apart and you still have to lead

I am writing this for you if you go to work with a weight on your chest. Maybe someone you love is ill. Maybe your relationship has ended, or you have just buried a parent. Nothing at home is the way it was. At work there is a team meeting, a budget and people who need you.

You may think you ought to keep the two apart, that a good manager leaves private life at the door. I want to tell you something else.

Of course it shows#

You are one and the same person at home and at work. What happens in one part of your life follows you into the other, in both directions. A large meta-analysis found that conflict between work and family is linked to how things are both at work and at home, and to how you feel more generally.

A newer review of 52 longitudinal studies found that when family life clashed with work, it went with slightly more depressive symptoms and more burnout later on. The links were small, and the authors say plainly that the studies can't show what causes what.

I mention this for one reason. If you notice that you lose focus, that you get short with people or that you lie awake, you are going through something hard, and it shows. That is how people work. It says nothing about what kind of manager you are.

You decide what you share#

There is no right answer to how much you tell your team. Some people want the group to know, others want nobody to know. Both make sense.

One way is to say a little, clearly. For example: "I'm dealing with a difficult situation in my family right now. I may be away at short notice, and then my deputy makes the decisions." Nobody needs to know more. The rest you can keep to yourself.

Your own manager often needs to know a bit more, so that someone can replan and step in when needed. Beyond that you owe nobody an account. It is your manager's job to make sure you have reasonable conditions to work in, even when life is hard.

Make the job smaller for a while#

When you have less to give, put it where it does the most good. Ask yourself what has to work in your team over the next few weeks. Often it is only a few things, such as decisions about children being made on time and nobody being left alone with a difficult case. The rest can wait or go to someone else.

Postponing a development project or turning down a working group is a decision about priorities, exactly the kind you are employed to make. It may still feel like letting people down.

Your rest matters to more people than just you#

When you find ways to let go of work in the evening, you give yourself a chance to keep going. It may matter to your team as well. In a study of 137 employee and supervisor pairs, how much the supervisor detached from work in their free time went with how much their staff did, and indirectly with staff being less exhausted. It is an association in a small study, so I won't make more of it than that.

Switching off can be learned, at least to a degree. A meta-analysis of 30 studies found that programmes to help people detach from work had a modest effect (d = 0.36), and that longer programmes worked better. Most participants were not managers. Even so, I read it as worth trying, and as something that takes time.

It can be small things. A walk between work and the hospital. Your phone in a drawer for an hour each evening. A friend you can call without talking about work.

Where to find help#

A crisis in life can become too heavy to carry with conversations and good habits. Needing healthcare is not a failure.

If you sleep badly week after week, if you no longer feel any joy, or if worry takes over your days, talk to a doctor. In Sweden you can call 1177, the national healthcare advice line, or go to 1177.se, day and night, for advice and to find the right clinic. If your employer has an occupational health service, you can turn to them too. If you aren't sure how it works at your workplace, ask HR.

Sometimes the right thing is to be on sick leave for a while. That is a decision you can make together with your doctor, and it is no betrayal of your team.

If you have thoughts of not wanting to live, don't wait to talk to someone. Call Självmordslinjen, the Swedish suicide helpline run by Mind, on 90101, chat at mind.se, or call 1177. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 112. If you live outside Sweden, call your local emergency number or a crisis line where you live.

What I offer (leadership coaching, coaching and mentoring) is not treatment and does not replace healthcare. I can help you think about how you lead through a hard time and what you can hand over. If you need more than that, I will tell you, and help you find it.

Finally#

You don't have to be strong all the time to be a good manager. Several of the people in your team have probably been through illness, separation or grief themselves, and understand more than you think.

If you would like someone to talk to about how you lead right now, with life as it is, you can get in touch when you have the energy.